Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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