If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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