Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize