He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize