Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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