I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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