party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
