did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
What a dumb baby whore.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
