R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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