All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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