Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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