All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
