Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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