I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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