so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
