I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
