I hate all girls vehemently.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
