we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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