why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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