Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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