Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
