why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
