His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
