it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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