Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Are these your boobs on my camera?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
