can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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