She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
