***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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