Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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