ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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