just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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