I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
