She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
