I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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