Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
