True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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