i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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