I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
