biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
