I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
