I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
