were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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