Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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