Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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