your parents love me but you hate me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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