I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
