FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize