: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
