i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
