If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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