You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
