I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
