i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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