i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
