I wish my penis had an off switch
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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