I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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