I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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