Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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