i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
