be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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