You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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