Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
